HAPPINESS IS NOT A CHOICE
A friend of mine posted on LinkedIn a few months back that “happiness is a choice.” This didn’t sit well with me. In fact, it gnawed at my insides and made me want to scream. I’ve tried to let it go, but I can’t seem to shake it. I kept thinking of my own struggles with happiness and how reading things like this actually made things worse. Much worse. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to make the choice to be a positive person. But I couldn't. Regardless of my efforts I wasn’t happy.
I imagine a few people read those words posted by my friend and thought, “Wow. I am so broken that I can’t even make the choice to be happy. I must be an awful human being.” If you are one of those people I want to assure you that you are not broken. You are not an awful human being. (Go back and read that again. I will wait.) Let me assure you that happiness is certainly not a choice.
When Beedy (the name that I will assign to my friend who made the post), I immediately wanted to respond with a quick retort and point out the potential damage that they could be doing to those who struggle with finding their happiness. Call it laziness or consumed with deep thoughts about the topic, I refrained from the standard reflexive instinct to chastise someone on social media. I began to realize that there are a lot of misconceptions about happiness and how it relates to the human condition. It’s a really, really big topic with lots of different and important facets that need to be illuminated.
It turns out that through my own struggles and countless days wrestling with demons, that I actually have come to understand quite a bit about this topic. My therapist has told me for several years that one of the final stages of getting right with yourself is helping others who are struggling. A version of paying it forward, I guess. So in an effort to get right with myself, I decided to share the output that came from my darkness. Well, maybe “darkness” isn’t the right word, but we can get into that later.
Before I dive into things I should be fair to Beedy and add the rest of the post that accompanied the headline. Here it is:
“Happiness is a choice. It's easy to get caught up in the daily grind and let external factors dictate our mood, but ultimately, we have the power to choose how we want to feel. By focusing on the present moment, practicing gratitude, and setting positive intentions, we can train our minds to see the good in every situation. Remember, happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.”
On the surface, this sounds benign. It probably even sounds somewhat inspirational. But at best, this is misguided. At worst, it’s damaging and can actually harm those who were the ones to whom this message was aimed. Either way, it is just wrong. Flat. Out. Wrong. Not only is it factually incorrect, but it also sends people down a path that actually gets them further away from their desired goal of happiness. So with all due respect to my dear friend Beedy, let’s dive into this complicated and confusing topic. To start, let’s talk about the word “choice,” and why happiness is anything but that.
To help me explain, let’s talk about basketball. I am willing to bet every cent I have ever earned or will earn in my lifetime that if you ask any NBA, WBNA or NCAA player that if given the choice of whether they would rather win or lose a basketball game, that 100% of them would say they want to win. It’s in their blood. They are competitors, and competitors want to win. So if every player is making the choice to win, why do so many lose?
Let’s go look at happiness through the lens of winning a basketball game.
It’s ironic that John Wooden, UCLA’s head coach who led the team to ten national championships, never spoke about winning. Sure, maybe he talked about winning to the press or with his coaching staff, but he never talked about winning with his players. In fact, my understanding is that he never even spoke about actual points. While I am not entirely sure about his motivations, I can take an educated guess that I bet is pretty close: 1) Winning is out of your control. 2) Focusing on points and winning is a distraction.
If every player would make the choice to win, and winning was in their control, well there wouldn’t be any sportsbooks in Vegas. There would just be a whole lot of winners. The reality is that winning is not something a player can control. They can control their movements; when they make a pass; their shot selection; how much effort they give diving after a ball into the stands; and whether to take the charge when a player twice their size is barreling down the lane straight into them. These are things that are all in their control. And this is what The Wizard of Westwood (John Wooden for those not in the know) would focus on in the huddle and in practice. He would develop a game plan and have his players focus exclusively on executing that plan to the best of their ability. Winning is a byproduct of those things that you can control.
The feeling of happiness is similar. It is a byproduct. Not a choice.
John Wooden knew that winning was out of a player’s and a team’s control. But he also knew that by focusing on winning or the outcome was a distraction from what they could control. Instead of playing defense, boxing out for a rebound or taking the charge, all things within the players’ control, they would be distracted by the final score, which is not in the players’ control.
If happiness was a choice, then we would all be drinking booze and snorting cocaine all the time. Those things make you happy (at least in the circles I run in). So if drinking and uppers make you happy for a while, partying all the time would make you happy all of the time. Problem solved, right? But unless you are in the midst of a bender, I bet you would agree that drugs and alcohol aren't a recipe for happiness. They temporarily make you feel happy, but you aren’t really happy. They are a distraction. And that distraction takes you away from working on those things in your life which actually can make a difference.
I was not a basketball player. Growing up in Southern California, I fell in love with volleyball. I played it constantly. I played NCAA volleyball in college, I played obsessively both outdoors and indoors for several years after I graduated. I have spent thousands and thousands of hours playing and practicing the sport. After so much time devoted to the sport, it may surprise you that the best game I ever played, I lost. Yes, lost. It remains one of my most cherished sports memories to this day. I was on fire and along with my teammates, we played out of our heads.
But we lost.
It was the finals of a tournament in Northern California. We were playing against a team that was very accustomed to being on the winners podium. These guys were bigger, more athletic, told funnier jokes, were better looking, had more fans…. and just had more volleyball skills. They crushed most of their opponents. But for some reason on this day everything clicked for my team. All of our practices and countless playing time came together for one incredible match. We lost in the tie-break. I did everything I could and drew upon every ounce of ability that I had to make that game interesting. I hustled down balls that were way out of reach. I put sets in the perfect spot. I even had a solo block against their best attacker (and if you compare my vertical leap to his, you will see why this was a huge accomplishment). Everything that I could control was the absolute best that I could do. I was never a better volleyball player than I was that day.
But despite my over achievement, I lost. I wish I would have won. I wanted so badly to dethrone those bastards people. But I didn’t and yet it remains one of my proudest moments.
The point is that despite your efforts to “focus on the present moment,”practice gratitude,” and “set positive intentions,” you may never be happy. Sometimes you just get beat by a bigger, stronger force.
Two people I am close to lost their spouses tragically in accidents. They were happy in one moment and then life thrust them into situations where they were sad. Very sad. And there was nothing they could do to not be sad. It didn’t matter how they were living or if they practiced mindfulness. They were anything but happy and neither of them made a choice.
Most will not have to deal with the pain of losing a spouse, but there will be things that happen that will be out of your control. The loss of a job. A dog that runs away. The disappointing ending to Lost. There will just be something that comes along that gives you no choice to feel anything but sad. It’s not your choice. It’s not in your control.
And this is exactly the way it should be……
